


wabi-sabi

by stateofstasis



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, again idk what this is supposed to be so join me on this ride, definitely rude language, idk where this will be going, im bad at other ships so help me, mostly meanie centred i hope, sorry before anything that will probably happen happens, sorry for all the tags jfc, tags will probably change in the future as i try to figure out what the hell is going on, tbh i don't even have a draft, why am i like this, you just have to trust me on this one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-10-05 01:03:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10293863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stateofstasis/pseuds/stateofstasis
Summary: "objects that elicit a sense of quiet melancholy and longing."it's sad to be alone. wonwoo knows that. he knows that, if nothing else.(ON HIATUS)





	1. kogarashi

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i manage to portray wonwoo as well as i imagine him to be :,)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kogarashi ; the bitter cold wind that marks the start of winter.

It's cold, and Wonwoo has left his jacket on the train. 

He looks around at the dim station, the remaining commuters silent and uncommunicative, distant as though there's a veil between himself and the other, tired passengers. 

He hefts his bag onto his shoulder. Filled with books, new and old manuscripts and poetry anthologies and manuals, the seams are probably falling apart under the weight of all the books, but as much as Wonwoo has grown attached to this bag, which has followed him for the past four years and has held many things across that time, he simply doesn't have the energy or time or resources to look for a new bag.

His jacket, rather, was something he could afford to lose. That was really in bad shape; the dark colour was patchy from washing it one too many times, and there was a pale stain on the left sleeve from when he didn't notice the coffee pooling under his sleeve after that fight in the cafe which left him decidedly more lonely than before the fight. There were loose seams across the collar, and the threads were frayed along the hem. There was a mismatched button from when one fell off and he couldn't find a matching one. In a way it was tasteful, a small blue plastic button among the finer brass ones that matched the brown seams of the jacket, and which formed a nice contrast against the dark blue. 

Wonwoo squints against a sudden rush of wind from the train squealing down the tracks, his thoughts pulled back by the oncoming train from down memory lane to the present. His ride home.

The doors hiss open, and people don't flood out as much as trickle out, everyone alone, no one traveling in packs. The train looks empty.

Before he steps off the platform and into the swaying train, he looks behind him at the darkening sky, and he shivers involuntarily, whether because of the weather or his own thoughts, he doesn't know. 

He finds a seat and curls up into himself, tucking his legs under the seat and wrapping his arms around his bag, holding it close to himself. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the back of the seat, letting it sway to the choked rhythm of the train. In this late evening, he looks even more lonely than ever. 

He shifts in his seat and pulls his sweater sleeves over his freezing fingertips.

It's cold, and Wonwoo has left his jacket on the train.

-

"Did you take your fucking meds this time?" 

Wonwoo barely flinches as the accusatory tone comes filtering through the phone. He shrugs weakly before remembering that Mingyu can't see him, muttering a subdued "yesterday morning" instead. 

"You know you're supposed to take them twice a day, after meals. Have you even- jesus, I'm not your keeper, Wonwoo." Mingyu sighs tiredly, and Wonwoo wishes that he wouldn't sound so wrung out and exasperated saying his name. 

"Can you just please come over? Once, this is the last time, I promise." Wonwoo hates how needy he sounds, the desperation leaking through the syllables. 

There's a rush of static as Mingyu sighs again, then, begrudgingly, "Yeah, whatever. I'll be over in five."

Wonwoo sighs a little sigh of his own, out of relief that he won't have to sleep alone today- or at least fall asleep alone.

What sounds like a friends-with-benefits kind of deal to an outsider is something so much more to Wonwoo (and MIngyu too, he hopes, but that's just wishful thinking)-

Jeon Wonwoo suffers from night terrors, and his ex holds him to sleep at night. 

-

"At least you cleaned this place up a bit more." 

The first thing Kim Mingyu says as he walks into the apartment is not something Wonwoo wanted to hear, but if he could have it his way Mingyu wouldn't have had to come all the way over to his apartment; he'd already be in it, living with him.

"Do you want anything to drink? You did bring your work over, right?" Wonwoo brushes aside the pillows on the couch to clear a place for Mingyu to sit as he works before Wonwoo finishes his assignments and gets sleepy. Mingyu shakes his head as he sits unceremoniously and opens his laptop, pulling up the file he was presumably working on before he got Wonwoo's call, and the small space is filled with mildly uncomfortable silence.

The apartment _is_ small. There are four rooms- Wonwoo's bedroom, the bathroom, the living room and the kitchenette. Five, if you include the postage stamp of a balcony. Each room is sparsely furnished; his double bed against the corner in his bedroom, three-year-old study table and Ikea pine bookshelf across of it, his wardrobe against the wall beside the bed, and there's just enough space for Wonwoo, who is 6", to lie down of his back comfortably between the bed and wardrobe, and slightly more snugly between the bed and his desk and bookshelf. The living room consists of a 40-inch TV that no one watches anymore and the stand of which is more like a bookshelf if anything, and a worn out sofa bed that Wonwoo has slept on more times than the bed in his actual bedroom. An old metal lamp stands in the corner and more books are piled at its feet. Throw pillows he's acquired over the years are arranged haphazardly in harmonious discord over the bed. The kitchenette is smaller than the bathroom and consists of one fold-open plastic table with the flimsy metal legs pushed up against one side and his fridge, and his microwave and stove take up the most space against the wall, a dish-rack placed beside it next to the always-empty sink. 

His apartment is kept cleaner than one would expect; there is no dust on the clean wooden floorboards, and everything is kept away after use. The bathroom is clean. There are no wrappers stuffed between pillows or microwaveable meal packaging in the trashcan. Sheets are changed twice a month, either pale dove-grey ones or dark cobalt-and-prussian. The blue ones are softer than the grey ones.

The only thing considered remotely messy are the books left everywhere. He can't help it; he never finishes books the same time he picks them up. He finished  _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ in between meals and  _To Kill a Mockingbird._

He changes his clothes in his bedroom, the door closed.

Pulling on an old hoodie too large for him- like many of his other sweaters and T-shirts- it takes him awhile to realize that it's Mingyu's.

Taking a second to breathe in the slowly fading scent of it- that faint mix of orange blossom and fabric softener- Wonwoo nearly wants to just say fuck it, and go out to call Mingyu in, and go to sleep wearing the hoodie, but he takes a moment to compose himself.

He pulls off the hoodie and changes to one of his own. Still oversized, but at least Wonwoo doesn't mind being buried in it.

He opens the door and heads to the bathroom to wash up and brush his teeth before waiting, silently, at the door, for Mingyu to look up and notice him standing there.

Mingyu does look up, and he follows Wonwoo into his room, and the atmosphere softens for awhile when Mingyu pulls Wonwoo into him with one arm, almost as if they didn't have that huge argument which blew everything out of proportion and left Wonwoo Mingyu-less and also considerably sleepless.

Wonwoo can feel Mingyu's eyes drifting shut, and his own eyelids close slowly, then all at once. He is so unbelievably content with Mingyu beside him.

He wishes it could be like this forever, but it would only be until tomorrow morning, then Mingyu would turn back into the person who spilled the coffee in the cafe and walked out without looking back.

Until tomorrow, though, Wonwoo can dream.

-

"Wonwoo, fuck, wake up, you're dreaming-"

He struggles to open his eyes through the tears. There's someone screaming and it takes him just a second to realize it's himself.

"It's okay, shh, you're awake now." Mingyu's voice calms him down. Where is he? Wonwoo sits up blindly suddenly and is pulled into a warm hug by Mingyu.

Fucking  _Mingyu._

Wonwoo tries hard not to sob as he holds on to Mingyu weakly, his shoulders heaving with the effort. He closes his eyes as Mingyu sweeps one hand across his back gently and takes a deep breath.

"I'm fine." He coughs out staggeredly, and Mingyu's hand pauses abruptly before withdrawing.

"Do you want to take sleeping pills?" Mingyu asks, more out of seeing Wonwoo's reaction than anything, and maybe he's relieved when Wonwoo shakes his head no but he doesn't show it, instead choosing to wait silently until Wonwoo is relaxed enough to go back to sleep. 

It's been awhile, but Mingyu still remembers where Wonwoo keeps the pills- under the old sweater that Wonwoo doesn't wear anymore in the closet, folded neatly into the grey fabric.


	2. shoganai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mingyu wakes up with a jolt. he hasn't had a nightmare in almost two years, but trust the first one he has in such a long time to be about jeon wonwoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: attempted suicide
> 
> please take note; i don't want anything to happen to any of you because of the description in this chapter. there's no blood, but there are talks of suicide that might trigger some of you. just be warned.
> 
> otherwise, hope you enjoy this chapter!

Mingyu wakes up with a jolt, sitting up and panting.

His clothes are stuck to his back with sweat, he can feel tear tracks running down his cheeks, and he doesn't understand why for a hot second before he remembers his nightmare.

He hasn't had a nightmare in a long time, but trust him to be able to make the first one in about two years be about Jeon Wonwoo. 

-

_When Mingyu finally arrives and bursts through the bathroom door, Wonwoo's face is pale, and his skin is clammy with cold sweat. His hands can't stop shaking, uncontrollably, even though his eyes are closed._

_His lashes flutter open lazily, glancing at Mingyu through glassy, half-lidded eyes. The corner of his bloodless lips quirk up in a hazy smile._

_"Hey, Mingyu." he says, his deep voice already hoarse and losing the velvety quality it used to have. Mingyu rushes over and lifts Wonwoo's head from the cold tile of the bathroom floor and cradles it in his lap._

_"Wonwoo, what did you do?" Mingyu asks, urgently, testing Wonwoo's pulse at his neck and feeling like his stomach is being squeezed and wrenched in half at the same time when he only registers a weak, butterfly-wing-like beat through the cold layer of his skin. When Wonwoo doesn't reply, his eyes already falling closed, Mingyu grips him by the shoulders harder. "What the fuck did you do?"_

_"My pills, Gyu. I knew I wasn't taking enough." He points to the empty orange bottle, which before this had never been such a jarring sight. Wonwoo continues dreamily, almost happily. "I'm really sleepy, Gyu, I really want to sleep, can I sleep?"_

In Mingyu's nightmare, that's where it ended, Wonwoo's hands ceasing to shake, his eyelids closing, and Mingyu being hit with such a senseless, vivid feel of despair and please-don't-be-real-please-please, that he was surprised he didn't collapse with the weight of it. And he woke up.

In the real thing, though, six years ago, it went more like this.

-

 _-_ "No, fuck, no, Wonwoo, you stay up and you puke out these pills, you hear me?" Mingyu is desperate, and his hands are hurriedly dialing 119 as he carries Wonwoo to the toilet and sticks a finger down Wonwoo's throat. He retches, and Mingyu supports him over the toilet as he heaves for a second before he starts to puke out the mix of pills and water and stomach acid. 

"I need an ambulance, I'm at..." Mingyu gives them the address and the details as he watches Wonwoo and makes sure he pukes everything out until all that he can do is dry heave, his eyes red and awake, blissfully awake. 

Then he drops, his head nearly hitting the floor if Mingyu hadn't caught him in time, and when the ambulance comes all Mingyu can do is watch.

-

He calls a taxi to the hospital, only bothering to bring his phone and wallet with him, as well as Wonwoo's favourite hoodie, which happens to be his own.

When he gets off he throws the driver the first note he finds, at least a 50% tip.

The nurse at the counter can barely tell him the room quickly enough. Mingyu takes the stairs two at a time because the elevator would be too slow.

When he gets there, a doctor is talking to a nurse outside the door, and it takes them awhile to spot Mingyu, scrutinizing him for a second before questioning his relationship to Wonwoo.

"I'm Kim Mingyu, Wonwoo's close friend and the person who called the ambulance."

The doctor looks at him with something like sympathy in her eyes and nods, but not without a firm reminder- "Only ten minutes.".

Mingyu nods and practically knocks her over as he rushes into the room, and finally, there's Wonwoo, lying almost peacefully on the bed, his lashes resting against his still-pale cheeks. There's a chair beside him and Mingyu moves because all he wants now is to be close to Wonwoo, to know that he's safe and not hurting himself anymore.

"Jeon Wonwoo..." Mingyu mumbles softly, placing a hand over Wonwoo's, tasting the name in his mouth, feeling terrified if he could never say it again-

"Mingyu?"

Wonwoo's voice is hoarse and soft and worn out, but as his eyes open slowly, Mingyu feels relieved to even be hearing Wonwoo's voice. The taller gets up quickly to pour a glass of water from the water pitcher on the side table and hands it to the other boy, who sits up slowly and winces when his stomach complains from the retching he had done.

When Wonwoo is done drinking the water there's a bit of silence when he, always the joker, speaks up. 

"Wow, my throat is sore." They glance at each other at the same time and their gaze locks, Mingyu busy searching Wonwoo's tired eyes for any signs of  _something else._

"Why did you do that?" Mingyu's voice quivers, and Wonwoo doesn't reply, so he asks again, louder this time. 

"Did you know how fucking worried I was? Do you know how much I thought about you, about how I would never hear your voice, if I could ever say your name again-" Mingyu closes his eyes and leans his head down, against Wonwoo's weak chest, and drinks in the sound of a soft, steady heartbeat.

"I hadn't slept for almost five days, Gyu, I'm so sorry." Wonwoo clears his throat and Mingyu wordlessly pours him another glass of water. He gulps it down gratefully and continues quietly.

"I was really just tired, and I could barely see straight, and I was terrified of what I had dreamt of during the last night I did get any sleep because it was so real, Gyu, it was more real than anything I'd ever dreamt of. And I remembered my pills, and I didn't remember my dosage anymore but-" Wonwoo's voice shakes and he looks down, unable to meet Mingyu's burning eyes. "-I took them all. I was fed up and delirious and I was thinking, no one would miss me, but I remembered you and- and that's why I called you at the last minute, right before I took them."

Mingyu remembers the call, his phone vibrating in his back pocket as he was closing up for the afternoon shift at the store he worked in, and Wonwoo's shaky voice saying-

"What did you mean, in the call?" Mingyu says, and then rephrases the question. "Did you really- did you mean it?"

" _I love you, Gyu, and, and I'm really sorry-"_

Wonwoo still isn't looking at Mingyu, but the taller can still see a hint of red starting to blush the tops of his pale cheeks.

"Maybe." He mumbles softly, wringing his hands in his lap. Mingyu feels dizzy, because too much is going on at once, and it's still not okay and he still wants an explanation, but now the only question leaving his mouth is:

"What kind of love?" He asks, and Wonwoo doesn't answer, again, so he leans in closer and takes Wonwoo's hands in his. "Who do you want me to be to you?"

"I-" Wonwoo looks down and suddenly pulls Mingyu close, pressing his face into his shoulder as he says it again.

"I love you, Gyu."

That's all Mingyu needs before tilting Wonwoo's chin up and pressing their lips together gently, so gentle and sweet that Wonwoo could cry because finally, finally Mingyu.

There's a knock on the door and the nurse pokes her head in, and Mingyu pulls away from Wonwoo just in time. "Ten minutes are up."

"Got it. Uh, thanks." Mingyu says, standing up, and doesn't really know what to do other than holding Wonwoo close and saying "I love you too," softly into the fragile skin of his neck and collarbone, before he hands Wonwoo the jacket and turns to leave. At the door he turns and says, "I'll come see you tomorrow, if you need anything, call me."

Wonwoo smiles, nodding, and when Mingyu can finally tear his eyes away from him he opens the door and leaves.

-

They started officially going out three days after that.

Mingyu still remembers, and he probably would remember it till the day he dropped dead.

Now as he sits up in his bed, feeling like absolute shit and regretting as many decisions as he could at once, he starts to wish that he could remember the feeling of Wonwoo's lips against his, and instead of continuing to think about it he decides to go back to sleep, because if he thinks about it any longer he might actually drive to Wonwoo's place and that's one thing neither of them wanted.

Or at least one of us, Mingyu thought to himself, drifting off into a half-hearted slumber.


	3. otsukaresamadesu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you've had a long day, you must be tired."
> 
> wonwoo has night terrors and mingyu isn't there to hold him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter, more of a filler really, just to keep things going, but also not.
> 
> includes: mentioned homophobia
> 
> please enjoy!! sorry for the longass wait i couldn't pick myself back up after awhile and it got pretty bad.

Wonwoo doesn't know what time it is, but it's dark. He can't see- but he can- and he can't.

 

He knows there something in his room. He knows he isn't safe.

 

He doesn't know how long it goes on for. He wants to scream but he can't.

 

Or so he thinks, but when he wakes up for real this time, his throat is sore, and he feels more tired than ever.  
-

He's a wreck at work. His colleague Jun is seriously considering taking him to see a doctor but Wonwoo shakes it off, pretends like he isn't struggling to draw the line between his dreams and real life.

Because even though he can't remember them, he's still terrified when he wakes up. 

Back home, he's tired, but he can't sleep. At least today he takes his meds, which help in the sole fact that he can calm down at night. The meds do mean that he usually feels down most of the time because of them, and he either feels drowsy or highly-strung during work hours, the former being the most frequent.

He doesn't really mind that he's drowsy during work, since his only job is to record down the dates that the books were borrowed out and, occasionally, rearrange the shelves.

And while for others, a library might be the place to zone out and where for some, the heavy, dusty tomes might be acting as a barrier to hide and sleep behind, for Wonwoo the library opens his eyes- figuratively and literally- because he loves to read. Ever since he was a kid he had stuck his nose into books containing heavy topics that most kids his age hadn't even begun to think about. From psychology to fairy tales, he'd read anything as long as he could carry it with both hands.

That was probably where he'd begun knowing that he wasn't exactly like the other guys in his school, those who talked about the girls they liked and if they had girlfriends or not and about the actresses they fantasized about.

Flipping past his least favourite part of the book-  _Looking for Alaska_ , which was deemed as a stereotypical white girl book due to its popularity but was actually a really good book, in his opinion- he allowed himself to think back, idly, about when he realized he didn't like the girls in his class but would rather relish the attention of a certain boy who sat across from him and who seemed like a mere childhood crush now after the crashing, rollercoaster firework-in-a-blender-like feelings he had- or  _has_ \- for Mingyu.

He read  _Alan Turing: The Enigma_ when he was 12, and was engrossed in Alan's feelings for Christopher and was mildly surprised- and also worried, after reading about the "treatment" that Alan Turing underwent because of his sexuality- when he was able to relate to that in ways he couldn't with Romeo and Juliet, for example (apart from the fact that he found them immensely childish. He must've been a pretty pretentious kid).

He read  _At Swim, Two Boys_ for a particularly progressive Literature camp in eighth grade and  _The Swimming Pool Library_ when he was 15, the latter of which alarming him slightly at the amount of sex that occured, or was implied, in the book. Nonetheless he found himself being drawn more and more towards the books which he knew he could resonate with, and he would have continued to read them in school until something happened that same year which made him leave all his books that even remotely suggested homosexuality at home. 

Lee Jeonggi, a boy in his grade, had committed suicide by leaping off the roof of the school.

While the reason wasn't always the same, depending on who you spoke to, it was a widely known and barely spoken of fact that Jeonggi was gay.

And the much less widely known reason, which Wonwoo only knew of because he was close to Jeonggi's cousin, was that Jeonggi was facing a lot of abuse at home after coming out to his parents, who threatened to throw him out of the house once he finished school and hit him in places no one could see.

And Wonwoo was struck by the same fear he felt when he read  _Alan Turing_ , only a hundred, a thousand times magnified. 

That was what made him tuck his feelings into a cramped little pouch and bury it into the deep recesses of his occupied mind, where no one could see it except for himself.

-

Wonwoo woke up with a jolt.

The library was empty except for Jun, who was busy arranging books as he always did at the end of the day. Seeing he was awake, the Chinese boy spoke. 

"I didn't want to wake you up; Joshua took care of the checking in while you were knocked out."

Wonwoo tried to find his words around the cottony feeling of his mouth. "How long did I sleep?" He said, his voice deep and sandy from the nap.

Jun shrugs. "Around an hour?"

Satisfied, and slightly guilty because Joshua wasn't supposed to stay this long, he stretches in his chair.

He'd check out The Swimming Pool Library today, just for old time's sake. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, short chapter, but i hope this gave you more insight into wonwoo's childhood or more specifically, how he discovered his sexuality. small reminder that sexuality is fluid and you don't have to rush into identifying yours! 
> 
> praying for updates to be more frequent! love yall who keep up with this bull and as always, please leave comments, i love to read them!


	4. ikigai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "the reason you get up in the morning."
> 
> how long has it been since mingyu said "i love you" and meant it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another throwback: this time mingyu recalls the first time he started being concerned for wonwoo.

Mingyu is walking down the street, and something catches his eye- actually, some _one_ catches his eye.

He's tall, and his hair is dark and straight, and he's wearing a black hoodie and ripped jeans.

But when Mingyu focuses on his face, it's different. Softer. Less heart-stopping and breathtaking and  _wow_ -inducing.

So he carries on, slightly embarassed, mostly distracted.

He wonders when he'll stop seeing Wonwoo in every face he sees.

-

"I'm not really sure why I keep doing it."

Wonwoo says it distractedly, almost an offhanded comment, and Mingyu isn't sure if he's talking to himself- he seems to be doing it more these days- so he doesn't say anything.

"It's more obligatory than anything, you know?" The shorter boy continues, and Mingyu pauses for a second. They're sitting against the wall below Mingyu's bedroom window, watching the orange afternoon sunlight paint streaks across the wooden floorboards and their outstretched legs.

"What, living?" Mingyu asks, and Wonwoo nods, the action causing his head to brush against Mingyu's shoulder, and the elder moves closer to him so that their sides are pressed against each other and their hands are barely touching.

"I don't think that's how you're supposed to feel." Mingyu says, distracted by Wonwoo's hand tracing patterns on the back of his own, delicate strokes across the valley of his knuckles, tracing the outline of his veins.

"I know." Wonwoo says, and Mingyu can't help but be a little more scared, a little more concerned than he has always been for Wonwoo, because as soon as he saw the boy in school and the slant of his shoulders, he's started wanting to protect him.

Was it obligatory? Mingyu doesn't think so. He looks down at Wonwoo and, almost dreamlike, looks at the curve of his eyelashes and the slant of his nose bridge.

It might've been obligatory at first, but it's become a different thing entirely.

-

Someone at work, someone he's close to- his name is Minghao and he's from China, has an accent when he speaks, and probably has a tall Chinese boyfriend whom he's seen hanging around waiting for the smaller boy after work- asks him if he was straight.

Mingyu jokes, says "Well, I was straight." and they laugh for a bit before it gets more serious.

"How did you come out to your family?" Minghao asks, brazen like he usually was.

"I haven't." Mingyu says, and Minghao looks a little confused before he seems to understand.

"Well, not to both of them. My parents are divorced and my dad is amazing; my mom married a rich man and forgot I existed." Mingyu really needs to stop disregarding people's feelings when he discloses this kind of personal information to others, because Minghao is currently looking mildly startled.  

"That must have sucked." Minghao says, and Mingyu is taken aback by the bluntness before he laughs out loud at how refreshing it was to not have someone skirt around the topic, or say "I'm sorry" as if it was their fault.

"Yeah, it did, so my dad knows, not my mom or my mom's parents." Mingyu pauses. "Why? Are you planning to?"

"I already have. It's, uh, Jun is planning to come out to his uncle, and he's pretty scared."

Mingyu frowns. "If he's scared he shouldn't do it at all. You don't have to force yourself to come out."

"He says he's planned to do it ever since he's left his uncle's house because at least he doesn't have to deal with his uncle everyday, but-" Minghao sighs and leans against the table. "I really love him, Gyu, and I just want him to do what he thinks is right."

"If you want, at least ask him on his views of LGBT+ in general. Some people are okay with others being gay but not their family members."

"Yeah, I'll tell him. Thanks!" Minghao says and he leaves, leaving Mingyu questioning when he started feeling this way exactly.

-

At home he recalls, and he realizes it was probably more of who it was than the gender of the person.

Not in a  _duh_ way, but he hasn't felt the same way he does for Wonwoo with anyone else. 

He didn't even realize that he wanted to kiss Wonwoo before he was staring at his face one day and suddenly thought. "I really want to kiss him.".

It was probably the first epiphany that he'd ever had in his life.

-

When they do kiss it's because of a dare.

It's not even an actual kiss. It's a peck on the lips. 

They were alone, behind the school, on a bench, skipping cleaning duty, and it was 5.06 p.m in spring so the sunlight was orange and Wonwoo was eating a popsicle.

Mingyu asks how it tastes and Wonwoo's eyes gleam for a second. 

"Want some?" He asks, and Mingyu is carried away, so he leans over and kisses Wonwoo briefly on the lips, and it tastes like passion fruit.

Mingyu hazily wonders where Wonwoo managed to find a passion fruit-flavoured popsicle.

It lasts for two seconds and when he pulls back Wonwoo's eyes are closed and he has a small smile on his face. 

"It tastes good." Mingyu says, and Wonwoo's eyes open and he nods. "I know."

That was a really good day.

Ironic that it happened just a week before Wonwoo overdosed, but at least it's over now.

Now they barely see each other, and Mingyu has to remind himself that it's for the better, even though it's really not.

-

For some reason that only his guilty inner self knows, he goes to a library to check out _The Swimming Pool Library_ , also known as the first book Wonwoo had recommended to him.

 When he gets there and searches for the book, its already been checked out.

He shrugs it off, choosing _Alan Turing_ instead.

Must be a coincidence.


End file.
